I have a lot of interest fat positivity, but since I have always been on the slim side of things I have struggled with figuring out how to write about them. I can learn about them, sure… but whenever I try to explain them I find that mine is not the voice I feel should be doing the explaining.
I’m too privileged in this way to honestly start this discussion.
But I see it. I see it a lot. I see it in my family and I see it in my lovers.
So instead of trying to talk about fat positivity from my own skinny lived perspective, I was lucky enough to get permission from a very dear friend who does understand such things.
and who is large and gorgeous and overall brilliant <3
Enjoy!
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I did a couple of things today that I’m really proud of. (Actually, talking about them even after the fact is something I’m proud of, now that I think on it).
B and I took a trip to Good Vibrations in Berkeley. He wanted some stuff, I wanted some stuff, we had a little bit of extra cash for said stuff, and we had a car for the weekend. Seemed like a good plan. Besides, what more wonderful way to ring in the new year than with presents for yourself, lovingly chosen by yourself?
So, first, I’m proud of the fact that he and I–for whom the phrase “it’s complicated” was invented–went to a toy store together, even if it was for separate things. And we kibbitzed, which I also didn’t expect. I helped him shop for his new thing, and he helped me shop for my new thing, and we shared a laugh at the fact that I owned ten out of twenty-five of the erotica books on the shelf (and knew six of the authors). Considering what a sticky wicket sex can be for B and I to talk about, this was actually quite extraordinary.
While staring at the erotica, after he’d wandered off to go do his shopping, I stumbled across a book, which instantly replaced the book I was going to purchase. I discarded a smut book on the intensity and blazing heat of hotel sex, and picked up this: Big Big Love, by Hanne Blank. It’s a book by, for, and about sex with fat people and the beauty that can be found there. Usually, I find reading a book on sexual technique to be quite boring, as learning by doing is so much more entertaining, but I went for this one.
Big Big Love by Hanne Blank
If you’re not fat, or you don’t have sex with fat people, you might not be aware of the significant differences in sex with us. Our bodies move differently, our joints bend differently, we have different fears and shames, we require different sexual positions and sometimes completely different techniques to get off. It’s hard for me to remember this sometimes, but all those differences are really fun to play with! I’ve got so much internalized brainweasel crap in my head telling me I’m unattractive and should be asexual that it’s often difficult for me to engage in sex in the ways that I want to. That’s why I do nude photo shoots, have sex in front of mirrors, make a point of looking my partner in the eyes–particularly when those things are most treacherous.
The fact is, I love sex. I’ve got a higher sex drive than most people I know, or at least I have a higher arousal drive. I have no idea if I want to have sex as often as I think I want to. I’ve never gotten the opportunity to try. Wrong partners, negative thoughts telling me I’m awful, bad timing, and yes, a curious dearth of people willing to look past some extra padding. I’ve done so much work on seeing myself as magnificent–not just pretty, or cute, or adorable, though some days that’s all I can manage. That work has all been tremendously worthwhile. But the core of the work I still need to do, at least for right now, is centered on seeing myself as alluring and sexually extraordinary. So seeing Big Big Love on the shelf seemed like a godsend.
I had a moment, standing there in front of those pine bookcases, of deep and shameful panic. I never want to hide my sexuality, and I wanted to buy that book quietly, secretly, tuck it away where no one could see, wrapped in a plain brown paper bag. It felt like admitting that I was buying that book was admitting that I’m fat, and oh, did that pull on me. From one point of view, it’s not like I can hide my physique, but from another, “fat people are beautiful” is such a terrible taboo that it’s hard for me to break away.
And I’m a fat activist. Conflict much?
But hey, you know, I bought the book. And it’s the first book I’ve been really excited about in a really long time. I’m only a few pages in, strictly because of time, but I look forward to it. When I’m done, B wants to read it. I have this feeling that it might well become like another SM 101 or The Ethical Slut–those books we loan out, and just buy new copies of because they simply never come home again. The thought of a book about the glorious intricacies of fat sex being as evangelical delights me.
So, the other thing I’m proud of is equally fraught with difficulty and meaning for me. I bought an anal toy. I’ve been nervously curious about anal sex for quite a while, but I always balk. I’m scared of anal sex. My first exposure to it was…unpleasant, to say the least. I didn’t know how to communicate yet, he didn’t know how to be gentle, all of it went south in a hurry, and I at least ended the evening dissatisfied and angry and feeling quietly violated. I tend to, for better or worse, pretend that that particular episode “didn’t count”. Not for the purposes of learning about anal sex, anyway. If I let it count before I can replace it with a good memory or three, I’ll never try again, and I want to conquer these fears of mine.
I picked up one of the beginner vibrating anal toys from Tantus. I did a bunch of research, naturally, and when the opportunity presented itself, I picked a wall, scanned, and grabbed the box straightaway. Picking it up was hard for me. Unexpectedly hard. Not as hard as picking up Big Big Love, but still intense. Forcing myself to walk over to B and ask him if I could get it was worse. (B, as it turns out, is far less fashed about such things, and simply gave me a hug and said “Of course”. And then helped me shop for lube, because I don’t know how to do that, either. I think we were both dissociating for all that, but we survived. See again, the poster children for “It’s complicated”.)
I bought two things directly related to big ass taboos (!) in my head. I’m feeling both smug and terrified. And excited. And conflicted and shy and precious and lovely and brave. All at once. It’s a very mixed up place in there right now. But the timing is perfect. I don’t do resolutions for New Years. I pick things to explore, instead: a thing that freaks me out, and a thing I’m intrigued by.
Happy New Year, to me.
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[emphasis added]
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Her writing makes me happy because it reminds me that I’m not the only one dealing with internalized phobias tied to my sexuality. I believe doing work like this is a very real form of activism, but its quieter because its almost all internal.
And its something that I hope I’ll be able to help forward
.
RESOURCES:
Fat Hatred Kills on This Ain’t Livin by s. e. smith
Fuck Yeah Chubby Fashion (with LOADS of clothes shopping resources)
The Rebellyon (explanation) photos here
Communications of a Fat Waitress
ChubbyParade a VERY NSFW forum. Some fetishizing here, but its generally a very positive resource (and whenever someone starts insults or calls someone a freak they get hella flamed for it!)
The Thin Privilege Checklist <– this one really helped me get it, gets +100 kudos!
(and please add more in the comments!)
