Trigger Warning for dysphoria (but it has a happy ending)
So, as some of you might have noticed… my gender identity has shifted.
Although to be more exact, it has become refined. It hasn’t actually changed that much, but I’ve found better words for describing it.
I’m less confused now about the parts of me that are gendered and my preferred pronouns have settled down quite a bit.
I now use male and genderqueer pronouns with family and friends. I identify closest with FTM Femmes, although the genderqueer title will remain a strong descriptor for me.
The pronouns are still new enough that I have to do a lot of correcting, which is difficult… but really, REALLY good.
I’ve also learned more about my dysphoria which has meant that in some ways I feel it a lot more than I used to, but I also have better tools for managing it.
I’ve also found a renewed love of all things femme. I had to really accept the male part of myself first, because although I like femme things I am very upset by the idea of people thinking of me as female.
I’ve also started regular camming again through KinkLive where although I use female pronouns, I still get to keep the name Oliver (YES!!!). this causes a lot of confusion sometimes, but its SO worth it for me. I only use the female pronouns when camming in so much as I don’t correct people when they use them on me. I still don’t use them to describe myself to other people. For example, if someone asks me, “Were you a good girl growing up, or more of a naughty girl?” I will answer with, “Oh, I was mostly good… I think I thought I was good. I seem to be learning that I’m a lot naughtier than I thought…”. Or something like that. When I repeat questions, I remove references to my own gender.
Its something I’ve gotten pretty good through being a semi-closeted homoqueer in retail and sales jobs.
I also shift my presentation up a little for camming. I wear bows (made by sissa <3), I put on hella make up, and I femme up my mannerisms.
Oddly enough, I’ve found I’m WAY more comfortable being a girl-for-pay in camming and porn than I am being a girl for normal jobs.
In the normal jobs I’ve had, I found that coworkers would ignore me if I showed up in dapper tomboy clothes, but be friendly if I showed up looking like a girl. I got to use my gender neutral nickname most of the time, but it always felt REALLY icky and gross when people used female pronouns to describe me. I felt like I was having to lie about who I was all the time and it was difficult enough that I usually came home feeling completely depressed.
But somehow, camming and adult work in general hasn’t felt like this.
I have a lot of interest fat positivity, but since I have always been on the slim side of things I have struggled with figuring out how to write about them. I can learn about them, sure… but whenever I try to explain them I find that mine is not the voice I feel should be doing the explaining.
I’m too privileged in this way to honestly start this discussion.
But I see it. I see it a lot. I see it in my family and I see it in my lovers.
So instead of trying to talk about fat positivity from my own skinny lived perspective, I was lucky enough to get permission from a very dear friend who does understand such things.
and who is large and gorgeous and overall brilliant <3
Enjoy!
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I did a couple of things today that I’m really proud of. (Actually, talking about them even after the fact is something I’m proud of, now that I think on it).
B and I took a trip to Good Vibrations in Berkeley. He wanted some stuff, I wanted some stuff, we had a little bit of extra cash for said stuff, and we had a car for the weekend. Seemed like a good plan. Besides, what more wonderful way to ring in the new year than with presents for yourself, lovingly chosen by yourself?
So, first, I’m proud of the fact that he and I–for whom the phrase “it’s complicated” was invented–went to a toy store together, even if it was for separate things. And we kibbitzed, which I also didn’t expect. I helped him shop for his new thing, and he helped me shop for my new thing, and we shared a laugh at the fact that I owned ten out of twenty-five of the erotica books on the shelf (and knew six of the authors). Considering what a sticky wicket sex can be for B and I to talk about, this was actually quite extraordinary.
While staring at the erotica, after he’d wandered off to go do his shopping, I stumbled across a book, which instantly replaced the book I was going to purchase. I discarded a smut book on the intensity and blazing heat of hotel sex, and picked up this: Big Big Love, by Hanne Blank. It’s a book by, for, and about sex with fat people and the beauty that can be found there. Usually, I find reading a book on sexual technique to be quite boring, as learning by doing is so much more entertaining, but I went for this one.
So, as a canvasser I meet a lot of people who are completely isolated from the GLBT community. Its not odd at all to do some 101 education every day… but last week I met TWO people in one day who had never heard of being transgender. Not that they had never heard the word, they had never heard of it existing.
I feel pretty darn proud of myself in that I didn’t just stand open-mouthed… or try to start at something impossibly difficult to grasp just because its my favorite part (as is often a habit of mine). I got the basics out, briefly enough, without too much over-simplification. Both folks stayed for a while to talk, leaving looking like they had a pleasant amount left for their brains to chew on.
It stuck with me because the week earlier, someone told me “… you know, there’s no such thing as transmen”.
… and all I could do for a long while was stand open-mouthed like a great surprised parrot fish
This logic was provided: Since bottom surgery isn’t as advanced or popular for FTMs as it is for MTFs… FTM people don’t exist. I tried to explain a bit about identity vs sex but it became clear pretty quickly that it was already a lost battle. I’d lol if could do so without hating myself afterwards.
because its funny, but its a pretty common line of thinking.
I recently had a very interesting talk with my mother where I came out as genderqueer and considering some form of medical transition. The only trans people she knows are two FTMs who have had a very hard life, at least one of whom had bottom surgery that went “wrong” (its hard to say, I’m getting this information through an interesting filter). Both have had a difficult time getting support and have had a lot of struggles getting basic care for mental health issues.
These are the only example my mom has to look towards.
It was a very difficult conversation. I said “transmasculine spectrum” and I’m pretty sure all she heard was “penis surgery”. I’d say “openly genderqueer” and she’d think “angry tattoos”. (Yeah, I don’t understand the tattoos thing either.)
It boils down to the problem of invisibility. My mom thinks that if I take T (which I might or might not do) I will become crazy because the only people she knows who took T were bipolar and schizophrenic. My mom thinks that if I identify as trans I have to become a “full transexual” because the only people she knows who are trans did.
I told her that at the moment the only thing I’m seriously considering is top surgery (a huge plus for my health, especially since the family has a strong history of breast cancer) but I sincerely don’t think she heard me. As I think she is thinking now, I can either live as a depressed tomboy who wears ties a lot, or as an angry transsexual man in poor mental and physical health.
I tried to explain that, as my identity and comfort lie now, I could live quite happily in either situation… but I think my words fell on dry land.
There is a very large education gap that, frankly, I’m not quite sure how to bridge. I’m used to talking about the most basic 101, and the much more advanced stuff… but all these middle bits are overwhelming. I don’t know where or how to start.
Also my mom is struggling with a great deal of guilt. She blames herself, quite literally, for my identity because she wanted me to be a girl. From what I can tell, it seems she thinks she made me trans with magic. This is in a way good. She believes that I was always meant to be a boy, which is a huge boon… WAY more easy than I had anticipated. But she also thinks its all her fault and that it necessarily means I’ll get hurt.
I’m trying to get across to her that, yes, although its true that trans people have a lot to deal with… its not all tragic. I have a very good support network and I’m pretty darn happily adjusted, dysphoria incongruence included.
I’m quite privileged (largely because of my upbringing) and I’m in many ways grateful for my identity.
This trans thing? Its a good thing. A different thing… a complicated and sometimes hard thing, but a good thing.
Its a process.
… and you know what, I just might be ok with being trans magical.
I’ve been a bunch (a metric bunch) more out about my gender transgressiveness since the start of my new job as a canvasser. The office I work out of is EXTREMELY trans-friendly, and I even have a few openly trans coworkers!
This has afforded me (yay privilege) some interesting opportunities for growth, which is awesome. Its also allowed me the opportunity to more actively experiment with presentation and public identity. Most of my day involves trying to actively engage strangers in two minute conversations about gay rights. In the past few weeks, I’ve gotten a much better idea of how I’m clocked by the average joe… and I’m much more clockable than I thought. I’ve been spontaneously male-pronouned by three people in as many weeks. I’ve also met eight people who couldn’t figure me out at all… which is really, REALLY cool. I’m probably getting clocked as completely andro by a lot more people, I just don’t know it unless they say something about it … and most of the time the ones who do seem to assume they’ve made a TERRIBLE blunder.
It usually plays out with them choosing a pronoun for the first time in conversation, then second guessing themselves verbally, then freaking out. Kind of like, ”…oh look, what a friendly young man… I mean girl… I mean OH GOD RUNNING NOW!”
I only wish they’d hang around long enough to see the ridiculous grin on my face when they do, instead of just taking off for fear of my wrath at their “mistake”.
Its also a lot easier to get folks to use both pronouns than I thought it would be… and that feels pretty good.
… good in a REALLYFUCKINGSCARY kind of way
So, YAY growth!
But growth really sucks sometimes.
Sometimes it hurts… and sometimes it means bumping into things a lot until you get used to the new space you take up in the world.
This weekend I got bumped.
We were shopping at the mall for some dapper twink wear for me and I unfortunately noticed two women laughing and pointing… at me.
“I told you it weren’t no gentlemen”, one of them said, laughing.
I’ve been flirting with the idea of outing myself as transy pants to my mum… and *almost* did just yesterday. We had a spare moment where we were both in the car with no one else around so I opened with this trans ice breaker:
“You know, there’s a lot of trans people at my new job and we’ve become fast friends. One of them uses flexible gender pronouns and sports a skirt and facial hair.”
Mum, who had been trying to sound really interested in everything I have to tell her up to this point (I admit, haven’t been calling that much, so this makes sense) responded with a pretty dead, “oh”. The car was uncomfortably quiet for the rest of the drive, which kept getting longer as we repeatedly got lost. I tried to bring it back up again, but stopped just shy of mentioning that they’re are FTM folks at my job when I got zero warm or slightly positive responses from her.
Its been one step forward, two steps back for most of my coming out process with her and I’m not sure how to get it on track.
In general, my mum goes out of her way to be supportive… but then she says things that make it seem like she’s not with me at all. I’m not sure how much of that is an education gap or a sign that she isn’t really as ok with my identity as I thought she was… and thats with her only knowing a small, very managed, portion of it.
Recently, we were given cause to believe that she thinks I dress butch because my wife is coercing me to in order to avoid competing with how pretty I am. Now, this info comes to us third-hand so I try not to take it too seriously… but from what information I can glean from her directly it sounds feasible.
I just got a new piercing and HOLY COW DO I FEEL AWESOME! Body mods always put me in a good mood, but piercing has a special place in my heart. I can see how it’d be totally easy for me to get addicted to them. I have a lot of weird mixed up ideas about my own body, and being able make intentional small changes helps me feel like I have more power over the skin suit I’m in.
My new industrial symbolizes the close of my time in Humboldt County and the start of new projects in the Bay Area. Its also, in a way, a little strength charm. I got it to help remind me of how strong I am.
Something about it went really right. My first night of sleeping on it was filled with strength dreams. The most vivid dream had this girl in it, who I’ve never seen but felt like she was supposed to be a friend. She came in and started immidiately bad-mouthing everything about me, how I do business, how I present myself, and my house. I asked her politely to show more respect while in my house. She laughed at me and launched whole-heartedly into a new assault.
So I calmly led her to the door and said, “Out. Not in my house.” and then (with a smile) “have a nice day, and drive safe.”
I was very kind about it, but there were absolutely no butts about what I did. No ground would be given, and no words of distention would be tolerated either.
I’ve been known to hold that kind of strength for other people, but I haven’t actually done it that much for myself. Over the years (especially those years in Humboldt) I’ve slowly gotten stronger and more sure of my boundaries. I’ve become much more sure of myself and of my own self-worth. This isn’t to say that I was insecure before… but my self worth used to be measured much more strongly on other people’s definitions.
Through my time at Humboldt, I’ve found these definitions haven’t matched up with my own very much at all.
Now, I feel much more secure of myself on my own terms.
I feel more than braced to jump into a bigger pond.
I feel ready.
I’ve also committed to doing push ups immediately after each salt rinse of the piercing, and at two times a day for the next several weeks I should be getting a little boost of physical strength as well!
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PS- OK, I’m spiritually and mentally ready for sure…. but I still have a LOT of packing to do. Eeep!
Performers real names and ages have been posted on the site. Some performers have also had their home addresses, photos of their home, and pictures of their family posted, although this information was not part of the main AIM leak.
The stated motivation for the site is
“To get the gays out of straight porn and illegal gay pimps that have ruined porn and shut it down making condoms mandatory by the government now. The fag loving has got to stop. California is full of gay Mexicans and now they can even marry which is so wrong.”
So, something sad and disgusting happened in the world of trans recently. At a DMV in Utah, a transgender woman was verbally abused and forced by security to scrub off her makeup and pull her hair back for her drivers license photo.
This once incident sucks, but what really irks me is the business culture that allows this kind of bigotry to flourish.
Because this shit is not rare.
Last December a trans woman filed a complaint with the California DMV because an employee sent her letters to her house that she was an abomination and that she was going to hell.
I could easily list more, but honestly… I don’t have it in me because this kind of stuff (and much worse) happens way too often.
There is an attitude surrounding trans people that seems to me to boil down to this:
the freaks don’t count.
Many organizations (including ones run by the state) have strong anti-discrimination policies, but if someone’s identity is seen as sexually perverse it isn’t treated as discrimination. Now, most of the organizations don’t actually think they’re supporting abuse. More often, I think all they are actively doing is not stopping it… and I don’t think its because they are out to get trans people. I think its because when the abuse happens, they genuinely don’t see it as abuse.
There’s a mentality that anything done against sexually threatening people is ok because you have to do whatever it takes to stop them. Part of the “MY GOD! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” clause. This mentality makes it ok to do whatever you like to people who could be a sexual threat. What non-trans aware people might see is someone overreacting slightly to a possible sexual threat. In this way, the abuse doesn’t get stopped and the abusers behavior gets reinforced. The culture takes hold when bystanders aren’t empowered to spot and stop the abuse. If the behavior has been going on for a while without anyone stepping up, there is a lot of pressure (especially in these rough economic times) to remain quiet about it.
A little myth + a lot of silence = gross culture of abuse
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So, as far as I can tell… the trans people as sexual freaks myth goes a bit like this:
Trans people get lumped in as sexual freaks because of cultural myths surrounding trans sexuality (I’ve personally heard strong current of upsetting “shemale” myths, even with my hobby-like involvement in porn). Trans people also get labeled as sexual freaks because of all the phobias surrounding homosexuality. If it wasn’t, I challenge someone to explain to me why the word “fag” is used so often in trans bashing cases.
and this kind of attitude bleeds into other kinds of abuse. Anyone who doesn’t fit into the normal box and who might possibly be perceived as a threat is acceptable to knock down.
I see a lot of overlap in cases of trans abuse, gay bashing, and violence against sex workers. There seems to me to be a very common chord running through all of these cases.
It seems to me to be part of a very old call against “moral depravity”, meaning anything overtly sexual… or sexually deviant.
Now, *I* see this happening more frequently around sexual identities… but I might just be seeing it that way because this is the framework I most intimately understand. I have to own up to the fact that I might just see it this way because its me seeing it.
I know at least that its not just a matter of rural areas being backwards, because most of the reported trans violence happens in cities.
And its not just a midwest vs coastal areas thing because the abusive letters sent from a DMV employee happened in California.
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So, now that I’ve reminded everyone of how unpleasant all this unpleasantness is… what are we going to do about it? Its easy enough to act up against one incident (as many awesome folks are doing for the trans woman in Utah). Its doable to organize marches and congressional campaigns…. but how do we change the culture that says its ok to bash the freaks?
What I think we, as activists, need to remember is that we’re not just fighting against any one organization (like the DMV in Utah). Yes, its VERY important to contact the DMV and let them know what they did is intolerable… but then what do we do after that?
How do we change a culture thats been around much longer than any of us?
I don’t know the answer to that… but I think Diamond Stylz is on the right track. She’s SO incredibly charming and funny, and she somehow manages to be funny without minimizing the absolute fuckupedness of the situation.
Maybe this is just one of those things that takes time, and the combined effort of people who will fight the injustices at every turn we encounter them and people like Diamond who can charm people who otherwise wouldn’t have much contact with the trans world.
I wish I had a simple plan that we all could enact that would fix it.
but I don’t.
I think its just going to take a long steady boil.
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But in somewhat lighter news, I am now being called “Queer Queen” by at least one person on the interwebs. Much to my surprise and amusement, occasionally I get webcam clients who are looking for a high femme domme. One of them started calling me Queen and, in response, I used the word to describe myself in chat back to him… only since I almost never write the word “queen” but very often write the word “queer” I accidentally typed Queer, as a dominant title for myself.
I noticed my typo, and corrected it to Queen in the next line… but this was somehow read as “You should know call me your Queer Queen”.
“A happy and emotionally-healthy sex worker is someone with the tools and the desire to facilitate other people exploring their sexuality. As you go along in sex work, you’ll learn what particular types of sexuality you most enjoy participating in, and gravitate towards the appropriate setting for that. But getting into corporate porn to “explore your sexuality” is rather like joining the military to explore your issues with aggression and formalized hierarchies. You certainly will get an education, but it’s unlikely to be a smooth and enjoyable process.” [emphasis added]
I’ve been obsessing a bit over dandy fashion for a while, but I went into womb-fury mode after GeekPornGirl posted this article all about butch fashion. In the links at the bottom, I made my way over to DapperQ where my eyes EXPLODED with double fancy butch eye candy.
“Okay, so I knew I could pull it off. What I didn’t know was how put it on. How to tie it, that is. (Because there’s no way a clip-on was going to grace this neck.) Tying a bow tie seems to be a preciously held men’s secret akin to membership in the Masons. I have seen written instructions, graphic instructions and numerous instructional videos, and they all make sense up to a certain point and then it’s like, “Turn around three times, spit, cross your fingers and there! It’s done!” Hunh?
Lucky for me, my (mostly femme) girlfriend used to work in a vintage clothing store and was endowed with the privilege of passing the secret knowledge on to worthy young men. I guess this boi measured up. She wrapped her arms around me and showed me the mysterious bit that happens behind the scenes when creating the perfect bow. (There’s this little hole at the back that you have to find and poke your finger into and then pull part of the tie through. Stop smirking.) When I turned around to face her after getting the tie just right, she gasped a little and had to catch herself as her knees went weak. (Now I like to surprise her by showing up at her door wearing one just to see her reaction.)”
This sounded remarkably similar to when I first wore a tie. Despite all my best efforts with rope, I’m still pretty hopeless with knots. My ever-crafty wife, however, is amazing at them. Something having to do with years of crochet and other girly things that lie somewhere beyond my grasp. I’ve tried to follow patterns on the interwebs for tying a tie, and I can sort of manage my way through it if I picture the scene in Dexter where his father teaches him how to do it… but it always comes out kind of fumbly.
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sissa’s deft hands do a much better job
….and it always makes me kind of hard and wet to have her pretty little fingers working their way so precisely around my neck
…
There’s something dead sexy about having a femme tie your tie.
It makes me think of all these husband-wife scenes in black and white movies. The wife comes over to help her husband tie his tie because he’s frustrated and overwhelmed about something or other. Its the wife’s way of showing support and deference. Its a quiet, friendly kind of power play that’s intrinsically gendered.
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(photo from http://thenonblonde.blogspot.com/)
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Even if learning how to tie a tie is something passed from father to son, it always seems to work out in real life as something the wife does for the husband.
It amuses me no end that as much as crisp ties are a symbol of masculinity, they are often made so crisp and neat by the woman… not the man.
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yeah… I know that this is a sister-brother moment
read into that however you like
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Anyway, I’ve never worn bow-ties, partially because my nerd quotient is so high already… I’m kind of afraid of what might happen if it went up any higher.
I’m a trans* genderqueer kinky poly geek trying to change the world with kinky porn and daily social justice. When I’m not strapped to a gyno table in a straight jacket, I’m talking about how power and privilege shape our sexualities
I try to be as authentic as possible in my adult work, while still performing enough to keep a roof over my head.
Although I'm a girl for pay, I use male and gender neutral pronouns in real life.
Trigger Warning for dysphoria (but it has a happy ending) So, as some of you might have noticed… my gender identity has shifted. Although to be more exact, it has become refined. It hasn’t actually changed that much, but I’ve found better words for describing it. I’m less confused now about the parts of me [...]
I have a lot of interest fat positivity, but since I have always been on the slim side of things I have struggled with figuring out how to write about them. I can learn about them, sure… but whenever I try to explain them I find that mine is not the voice I feel should [...]
So, as a canvasser I meet a lot of people who are completely isolated from the GLBT community. Its not odd at all to do some 101 education every day… but last week I met TWO people in one day who had never heard of being transgender. Not that they had never heard the word, [...]
I’ve been a bunch (a metric bunch) more out about my gender transgressiveness since the start of my new job as a canvasser. The office I work out of is EXTREMELY trans-friendly, and I even have a few openly trans coworkers! This has afforded me (yay privilege) some interesting opportunities for growth, which is awesome. [...]
I’ve been flirting with the idea of outing myself as transy pants to my mum… and *almost* did just yesterday. We had a spare moment where we were both in the car with no one else around so I opened with this trans ice breaker: “You know, there’s a lot of trans people at my [...]
