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Do you hear… carving?

31 Oct

 

oh! I got a game for dis pumpkin!

don't worry pumpkin, I'll be gentle

 

Punpkins have been hard to come by this halloween season, and most of them are a bit green but we lucked out and got two very fancy pumpkins!

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“Make a Sandwich”

28 Oct

 

KinkyGamerSilas and I on SouthernGents

 

I recently had an opportunity to shoot with KinkyGamerSilas for Southern Gents.

But since SouthernGents isn’t a kinky site (and most of my sexuality involves kink), we had to get creative.

Food play is one of those things that I’d never included in my spank bank until very recently when I gripped for a FANTASTIC foodplay scene at fetishannex with Nurse Vivienne and Alice in Bondageland.  Ever since then, I’ve had all sorts of naughty food-related ideas, but most of them weren’t curling-my-toes good… just kind of titillating.

But with the combination of food play and my love of edge play, a wonderful idea was born: playing with food I find gross.

Mayo.

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FTC disclosures (aka. this pervert makes money being pervy)

27 Oct

The Federal Trade Commission has begun overseeing the relationship between bloggers and companies.  Although it’s a bit annoying (and means there’s one more post on my blog that isn’t as smexy) it’s important because it helps ensure that bloggers like me are accountable for how we’re tied to groups who will profit from what we write.  These guidelines are especially important for bloggers like me who are trying to educate as well as titillate.

As a result, I want to make it perfectly clear how I’m tied to the businesses I’ve worked with.

I currently work at KinkLive.com and occasionally for the other sites at Kink.com as a model.

I’ve worked for  Medical Toys, Twisted Clinic, and fetishannex (which are all the same company).  At Medical Toys and Twisted clinic, I worked mainly in shipping and handling but also a bit in customer service as Nurse Rebecca.

I am not currently part of any affiliate program, so my links to medicaltoys, kink, etc. are mainly for context.  For my live shows at kinklive.com, this does potentially drive traffic to a place where I make money, but I don’t make anything extra for doing my own advertising.

Its also totally legitimate to watch my cam shows for free and without registering, you just won’t get to see the X-rated side of me. 😉

the covet list: Octopus Tentacle earrings by HandMarket

21 Oct

 

Octopus Tentacle earrings made by HandMarket

ever since I read Visitors from Japan by Remittance Girl I’ve had a bit of a secret love for cephalopods.

I love how these are a fleshy color, as opposed to the blue, green, and orange I usually see for octapussies.

I love the curves.

and I especially love how there are even little sparkles on each sucker.

while my ears aren’t that stretched yet, I now have a pretty big carrot for getting them there. ❤

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In other news….

The Humboldt Impropriety Society 2010 a Sex Odyssey pansexual party is coming up THIS SATURDAY the 29th 23rd and I’m in the show.

If you want to see me in my sexy darth vader costume you have to come.  Tickets are $40 and going fast.

(incest may or may not be involved)

🙂

see you there!

what “sex positive” means to me

18 Oct

Violet Blue posed this question recently after her sex positive link shortener vb.ly was shut down by the Lybian government.

I think (and this is the simplest definition I can come up with) that sex positive is a way to describe education that makes no moral judgements on a person’s sexual desire and that supports all sexual activity done between consenting people so long as it doesn’t hurt anyone.

But that’s pretty much where the simple definition ends.

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Education could be anything from condom + cucumber sex ed to how you talk about sex and relationships with your friends.  A lot of good can be done in whispers to the right people, almost as much good as can be done with more formal kinds of activism.

Moral judgment may sound like the easy thing to avoid, but it’s not.  It’s really hard not to be judgy sometimes, especially when one is talking about sex.  Sex (especially a lot of the smexing I do) is very taboo, and its easier to make yourself feel better about what you’re doing by throwing someone else to the radical.  “Oh this?  It’s not kinky.  If I tied your face to the floor and peed in your ear, THAT would be kinky.  But this?  Not kinky.”  Now, if you’re not the tying down and peeing in the ear type, this can ease up the feeling of taboo you have about what it is you’re trying to do, but it excludes folks in the pee positive crowd.  And being excluded feels shitty.

No body wants to feel shitty.

(well… except for the folks who are into that)

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see how easy it is?

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moving on…

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the covet list: coffin couches

9 Oct

 

coffin couch: red black

 

HELLS YEAH!

Ok, so they come with a warning because they honest-to-god ACTUALLY had a dead body in them at some time.  and that’s kind of a biohazard.  even if it makes the little goth child in be squee with delight.

but just think of how soft and STURDY these things must be…. how easy it would be to tie someone up in one…

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oh. hells.  yeah.

and just in time for Halloween

me and my sweetie @Folsom 2010

4 Oct

sissa and I at Folsom (I'm the one on on the right)

this was taken by a local photographer, WetBehindtheEars, at Folsom this year

which was FANTASTIC… in addition to being very, very hot.

(seriously.  we’re from a county were “hot” is generally 65 degrees and we only see the sun for 20 days out of the year.  The rest of the year we only get sun for an hour or two, *if* we’re lucky.)

I’m surprised neither of us passed out.

MAD props to the folks over at Wicked Grounds for getting us ice cold lemonade so quickly, even though you were packed.

Even though we were all squished in elbow-to-boob-to-face with very little air circulation you guys turned that place into the absolute BEST PLACE TO BE AT FOLSOM.  bar none.

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(I also send mad props to all the patrons in Wicked Grounds for supplying us with ice and sunscreen to smear over each other while we were waiting in line.  best audience ever.)

****** update*******

leather belts like the one I’m wearing will be available at sissa’s etsy page soon

always stretch before subjugating yourself

3 Oct

 

On Transparency in Activism: Why Being Anti-Craigslist is Anti-Justice

 

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in his latest video, Maymay talks about how the shutting down of Craigslist has done much, much more harm than good by removing accessibility, transparency, and accountability from sex work listings.

I loved the video so much I ended up watching it several times before coming to the conclusion that this needs more than just a retweet… this shit needs to be shared everywhere.

Basically, the issue is this:

With the sheer volume of viewings Craigslist had compared to other listing sites, it made much more sense for people to post sex work advertisements on Craigslist even though they are more likely to get caught using Craigslist than they would if they were using smaller networks.  Craigslist benefited off of the increased accessibility to its adult section by getting more visits to their site, but they also used the increased visibility in cooperation with law enforcement to make their site more accountable.

Digital sleuthing made it MUCH easier to catch the really bad guys than it was when they had to work through smaller, more secretive networks.

Good guys got to post advertisements easier.  Bad guys got caught more often.  It was a win-win situation.

and now its been compromised.

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feminist blow jobs

10 Aug

A while back, at the last Take Back the Night, I was invited as a guest speaker at the local university.  I spoke about how compulsory eroticized male dominance over women is bad, intentional, negotiated, consensual criticized domination is ok (and can even be a tool for healing).

The talk went great and I got lots of amazing questions from students, but as the questions slowly faded into the next talk an interesting issue came up;

blow jobs.

and wow… were people upset about them.

The speaker who followed me began by talking at great length about how blow jobs were only good for one thing, a “temporary elevation of status for the woman performing the blow job”. Her quote was met with grave nods of agreement from most of the audience.  During the discussion blow jobs were talked about in hushed tones, as if we were talking about something as grave as sex trafficking or female genital mutilation.  It was described as a disgusting, unthinkable act that no self-respecting woman would ever engage in, and it wasn’t just the old guard talking about it this way, most of the folks in the audience were my age or younger.

I was flabbergasted.  Firstly, because I LOVE blow jobs.  Blow jobs are a major part of my sexuality and I have a very hard time thinking of them as something bad.  Now, do I have a certain amount of self-hate over blow jobs (‘ya know, because I was taught that men and their men-penises are supposed to be bad) so, for me, letting someone suck me off means I have a great trust in the person I’m playing with.  For me, blow jobs end up being very powerful because it takes a great deal intimacy and trust.  Exposing a vulnerable side of myself in that way makes the act very powerful, and very sexy.  Listening to my fellow feminists talk about blow jobs in such disgusted tones made me want to hide in my seat.

…but since I was still on stage, this wasn’t an option.

The other reason I was so shocked at the blow job blow back was because I don’t understand how we could have gone through an hour of talking about kinky sex that occasionally includes intentional male domination, only to throw it all out the window at the mention of blow jobs.  I mean, if I could talk about rape play and take downs without causing a stir, it makes no sense to me that something as benign as oral sex should provoke such vehement opposition.

So, what makes blow jobs different?

I’m guessing a lot of it has to do with something that has a lot of feminists up in arms lately.  Porn.

While it’s true that there’s an awful lot of objectification, slut shaming, and abuse in some of the blow jobs scenes found in porn, it’s not all like that and it’s not what all blow jobs are. There are several sites, like The Art of Blowjob, where all of the blow jobs are sensual to the point of being downright gentle.  Camille Crimson (creator of The Art of Blowjob) is not the stereotype the anti-porn feminists would have you believe is the typical porn star.

Camille describes her motivation for creating site as something saying,

“… I wanted to show the world a more artistic, sensual and erotic side of the blow job, which I think is the most incredible sex act. I made this website completely by myself to pay homage to the blow job, using all my own coding and design…”

Camille isn’t coerced.  She isn’t the victim.  She’s intelligent and empowered by the work she does.  She isn’t just giving blow jobs for pay, she’s created art and the fact that she did it with her own coding skills (especially since they’re such a huge gender gap in tech) makes it even more awesome.  That, and the fact that she certainly seems to have a lot of fun doing it.

As feminists, isn’t this what we should want to see more of?

I can agree that blow jobs are very often used as symbols of male domination, but talking about blow jobs like they always mean nonconsensual violence against women makes it sound like any girl who enjoys blow jobs is a tool of the patriarchy.

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It should also be noted that just because something looks violent doesn’t mean that it is.

Audacia Ray (one of my favorite sex-worker rights activists) summed it up nicely on her blog a while back,

“It’s often hard to tell just from looking at a visual representation whether or not the performers are being placed under duress or if their working conditions are bad. Can you tell by looking at a tee shirt whether it was made by workers in ethical working conditions? Nope. Not unless you look at the label and then do your homework on the company.

Sometimes when I present the idea that its not the aggressive anal/choking/cum splattering that makes porn unethical or unfeminist, but the conditions under which the performers are doing said acts, people say things like, “its impossible to know what the working conditions are.” It isn’t impossible – it just requires some research. Just as people research textile factory conditions and then put pressure on corporations to have better practices – the same could happen with porn.” [emphasis added]

This is very important to me because a great deal of the porn that I’m personally involved in looks pretty violent even though it isn’t. Work at fetishannex.com feels like  family.  Everybody knows each other.  Everybody takes care of everybody else.  I mean, my boss even helped me move a washer and dryer into my new house even though he had a frighteningly busy week.  Safety is taken incredibly seriously, including potential emotional safety.  I’ve spent days talking about the potential emotional risks of some scenes with the director and co-actors before doing them. In addition to making me feel MUCH more comfortable, I’ve found it often helps us come up with some pretty wild scenarios that end up reallyreallyREALLY turning me on (see the time I had my panties cut off with a sword).

Also, since most of the really dark scary stuff was the product of the imaginings of the actors making it happen (and since it’s fairly hard to coerce yourself) I’m pretty fucking confident when I say fetishannex is an ethical porn company.

I also want to point out that I discovered my love of giving blow jobs while chained (kicking and screaming) over a barrel, and it makes me VERY sad that no matter how much I talk about how much I enjoy it (and how many times I broke character by smiling in between screams) there are some feminists who want to put a stop to it for my sake.

Even though there are undoubtedly some porn stars (and textile manufacturers) who are very unhappy, I’m not abused and I don’t want to be saved.

There is, of course, an argument that says I only feel this way because I’ve been brainwashed by the porn industry to think this is what I want and, well, since it’s a bit of a logical dead end (I can’t prove it wrong and they can’t prove it to be true) I’m not even going to try to address it.  Suffice it to say that even if I have been brainwashed, who’s it to say I should be stopped if I’m having fun since I’m not hurting anybody.  Let ze who is without lust cast the first brick.

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oh and as a parting shot… TEETH!  How ‘come nobody ever mentions teeth?

I mean, someone can still totally be forced into giving a blow job (hello, social power!) but the person performing the blowjob can probably still give a really good bite.  Even if they don’t have great teeth.

consensual nonconsent

5 Aug

Rape fantasies… another difficult topic.

This is a topic very near and dear to my heart because I am obsessed with sexual consent and communication.  I have spent over a year dedicated to thinking, writing, and speaking about how consent works, why it’s difficult, and how to encourage our communities to do it.  I’m also a big rape fetishist.  And I don’t see a conflict.

Let me explain.

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I’ve known for as long as I’ve had desire, it’s been wrapped up in fantasies of nonconsent.  I’ve had dreams of being tied up (and of tying people up) and being made to do things against my will.  I have very little sex that doesn’t involve at least some form of power exchange.  I love the feeling of being caught, like there’s no way out, the feeling that there are other pressures beyond my control that trap me, making it impossible for me to resist my play partners’ sexual advances.  Even more than that, I love resisting the advances of my lovers and feeling physically (and mentally) powerless to stop them.  I love the look of fear in the eyes of my submissive play partners as it sinks in that there’s no way out.  I love feeling so much power and control over another person that it scares me a little.  I love screaming “No!” at the top of my lungs.  I love hearing my play partners scream “No!” at the top of their lungs (especially if we’re somewhere echoey).  But I ONLY enjoy these things within the context of consensual play.

I hope I am never the victim of rape, but it could happen.  I’ve had some of my softer sexual boundaries crossed, and I imagine I will probably have more crossed in the future, but I do not ever wish to be actually raped.  I also never want to actually cross someone’s hard sexual limits.  I take the time (usually an hour, but I have spent days planning more intense scenes) to negotiate before playing with power.  I want to be absolutely sure that we have the same goals for our play and that we have at least a bit of an understanding of what sex, rough play, pain, and rape mean to everyone involved.  Rape and rape-play may look the same to an onlooker (in fact, without seeing the negotiation and establishment of a safeword, it can look exactly like rape) but since both parties actually want to do what they’re doing makes it completely different.

With real rape, there is intentional physical and emotional harm done to the person being taken advantage of.  Fantasies and rape role-play are done for the mutual benefit of everyone involved AND there are steps taken to reduce possible harm.

The tricky part is that even though consensual fantasy role-play is designed to prevent harm, it can sometimes still happen.  There are issues, big issues, that our society has around sex and rape.  Even in the context of consensual play, very ugly things can surface.  A bottom can be triggered and go silent, unable to safeword even though they want to.  A top can get wrapped up in the energy of the scene and miss key signals from their bottom.  It’s also important to note that the same sexual myths and power plays that create rape-supportive culture are at work in consensual rape-play scenes.  Global, societal, and interpersonal power struggles don’t just disappear because there was a negotiation beforehand.

So why bother?  Why is it worth the risk of getting hurt?

Well, besides having REALLY hot sex (if it’s your thing) playing scary games can sometimes be very healing.  Sometimes, visiting something scary on your own terms in a relatively safe environment can be INCREDIBLY empowering.  In my head, it’s like repelling over to the edge of a cliff and staring down at the ground miles below you.  Looking at danger that closely forces your to find the steely strong immutable parts of yourself (however small).  Finding that strength, even if it’s REALLY fucking scary, is a real trip.  Taking that kind of trip when it’s of your own choosing (and when you have a safety harness) is totally different than having it happen to you in real life when you don’t want it to happen.  Revisiting a cliff after a fall can be absolutely mortifying.  But sometimes, if you want to, you can get back the strength that was lost when you fell.

Taking the responsibility to take someone on a trip like that is also very empowering.  Even at my scariest, this kind of play always makes me feel like I’m building trust with my play partners, sometimes even more than I would from years of friendship.

It may seem odd, being empowered by pretending to be powerless and building trust by playing the monster, but it works for me.

It’s a scary and sometimes risky kind of play, but I feel I have become a better person (and a better partner) by playing with these things than I would have if I only had vanilla sex.

I also feel that I’ve learned a lot about how power, privilege, and sex interact to create rape-supportive culture by playing with rape-play in by sex life.  The time I’ve taken to be aware of my own land minds concerning sex and power have made me more aware of how they were put there in the first place.  I’m more aware of how my actions can implant/support the same crap in other people’s minds.  As an activist, I feel an incredible sense of duty to stop rape however I can.  If I am going to learn how by being a fetishist, then so be it.

let the learning begin