glossary

I know, seems odd to have a glossary on a blog.. but I have a feeling I’m going to need it.

The glossary will serve two functions:

1) to educate folks on the ever-growing list of terms used to describe sexuality

2) to keep everyone on the same page (because even words with one definition have LOTS of different meanings)

If you see me use a word that you’d like defined, please leave a comment here and I’ll do my best to write a post on it before the week is out.

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BDSM

definition – typically stands for bondage, dominance, sadism, and masochism (although there are other permutations).  There is negotiation beforehand to make sure all players understand and agree to what they’re getting into and deliberate steps are taken to reduce the chances of physical and emotional harm.  However, player’s personal definitions about how much negotiation, agreement, and harm reduction is needed vary.

It’s important to note that not all BDSM players are into everything having to do with BDSM.  Some people just do rope.  Some people just do pain.  Some people just do latex.  Just like there is with food, there’s a huge variety of personal tastes to match the huge variety of flavors.

as it applies to me – I’m a huge BDSM fan.  I know, huge surprise!  I identify as a switch (so I top as well as bottom, and I’m a sadist and a masochist) and primarily as a RACK player (see definition below).

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bottom

definition – someone who takes the receptive or (if it’s BDSM play) the submissive role

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CAFAB

definition – stands for “coercively assigned female at birth” .  Use this instead of words like “biologically female” or “born female” because it more accurately describes gender assignment and is more respectful.  Gender identity is internal… and one can hardly expect a baby to accurately explain to us how it feels about its gender.  And we already know that external genitalia doesn’t = gender, right?

You should also use it because words like “biologically female” often fall into the biological essentialism of gender/sex… which isn’t accurate and can be offensive to trans* folk because it implies our genders are less “real” than biological genders.

as it applies to me – I was assigned female at birth.  No one asked me if I wanted or felt like a girl (or even that not being a girl was an option!) until well into college.  Despite this, I was raised as a girl, my legal documents all were assigned female, and I was socialized as a girl.  That’s an awful lot to assume about a person based solely on the appearance of their genitals at birth!

You read up on CAMAB – “coercively male assigned at birth” and FAAB – “female assigned at birth”

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cisgender

definition – the opposite of transgender, someone whose gender identity matches their biological sex (typically read “genitals” in the US)

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genderfluid

definition – a type of genderqueer identity.  someone whose gender identity changes often.

how it applies to me – I’m definitely genderfluid.  I feel very butch sometimes, very femme other times, and as … something else other times.  It’s defiantly a headspace thing.  Sometimes I’ll plan to wear a dress to a party in the morning but completely change and dress to pass as a male by the time the party rolls around.  My wifeslave has been absolutely invaluable in this regard.  She helps keep my closet stocked with just the right clothes, so I’ll look fancy in any gender.

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genderqueer

definition – someone who does not identify as female or male.  they may identify as something in between, both, or as neither.  the term used to also be used as an umbrella term for all transgendered people, but now is generally used to describe those who fall outside of the male/female binary.

as it applies to me – I am definitely genderqueer.  Most often, I feel very male… to the point that I am surprised to find that I have breasts and a cunt.  They seem foreign to me, like they belong on someone else’s body and not my own.  I still find them pretty (and I enjoy the attention I get from them) but its a kind of performance to act like they are mine. However, this does not make me less femme or more butch.  I love high heels, makeup, dancing, etc.  I also love binding, weightlifting, and male pronouns.

I have a soft pack that I wear, the Mr. Limpy Small made by Fleshlight with a soft pack harness made by my wifeslave sissa.  I have a frog bra that does a very good job of strapping down my 30DDD breasts and a binder I wear over that.  I’m pretty darn flat from that, and I can still breath!  The lines of button up shirts tend to hide my chest fairly well without making it look like I’m hiding in my clothes.  Even when I don’t feel like my body matches my head, I am pretty proud of my shape and I hate hiding it just to create a more masculine appearance.  I also have a P-style that I use to stand to pee.

I’m out to family and slowly getting them to use my preferred pronouns.

Depending on how safe I feel and whether or not I feel my preferred pronouns will be respected, I’ll add feminine things I enjoy to my masculine attire.  The femme to my FTM is also in large part in my behavior and mannerisms (lols)

I swish about.  I still get the door for my lady folk friends, but I’m light enough in the loafers to still fit in on girl night.

… mostly

further reading –

genderfork.com

scarleteen gender discussion

http://femmeftm.tumblr.com/

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RACK

definition – A code of conduct for BDSM players that stands for Risk. Aware. Consensual. Kink.  It arose as a response to SSC (Safe. Sane. Consensual.) because not everyone considers what we do as sane (see my many complaints about how the DSM is not my friend) and because nothing in this world is completely safe.

as it applies to me – I like RACK, mainly because I recognize that no matter what we do to make it safer, it’s never going to be completely safe because nothing is completely safe.  Personally, I try to make sure that my play is at least as safe as driving a car (which is actually pretty fucking dangerous to tell you the truth).  I also like it because the rack is a medieval implement of torture and I kind of like the pun. 🙂

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stone

definition – a butch identity where the person involved does not like receptive (or often any touching) at all.  stone butches often prefer to be exclusively the active partner and/or the top.

as it applies to me – I was almost stone.  almost.  I started out stone from a long history of sexual shame and confusion with my body/identity.  As I’ve accepted these parts of myself, some of my boundaries have melted away.  Some have gotten bigger.  I used to be a lot more casual with touching on my breasts.  Now that I’ve accepted my trans* identity, I feel much more uncomfortable around my breasts… but this is also contextual.  I VERY much enjoy D/s BDSM play, and I like intense power exchange role play.  One of the things that makes me feel the most vulnerable is the female parts of myself.  And, being kinky… this is a huge turn on.

With the right partner, I have found that I actually enjoy playing with things that the rest of the time make me very uncomfortable.

It is important to note that this does not make my disphoria go away.  Let me say that again.  This does not make my disphoria go away.  Rather, with the right person and with the right circumstance, I can feel comfortable playing with things that really truly scare me.  When I’m done scening, the binder goes right back on and I continue merrily on my androgynous way.

My female parts are a trigger for me.  They cause very strong emotional reactions in me.  The good news is that there’s more than one way to deal with those strong emotional reactions.  One thing that works for me, is role play and BDSM.  Its no cure, but its a pretty good day job.

I also *sometimes* enjoy playing with my female body as a form of performance, but its performance.  I love how beautiful my body is, even if its not the one I would have chosen.  Even though I have disphoria, I still love a lot about what my body can do.

Its just that my body, my “real” sexuality (if one can be said to have one) isn’t female.  The mental tricks I can do, the performance I enjoy, it all breaks down when people assume my female parts make me female inside.  My pussy just plain stops working and I get cold.

So, I’m stone when people in real life treat me like my performed femaleness is the real me.

I’m stone when people can’t see that it isn’t really me.

I’m not a girl, but I play one in porn.

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switch

definition – a BDSM player who tops and bottoms and/or is a sadist and a masochist.  someone who likes to give and receive

as it applies to me – yup. definitely a switch.  I’m a full time Master/Daddy/Top to my wifeslave, sissahyde and I bottom to other Tops, Masters, etc. whenever I can.  We play with other people together sometimes too, although the power dynamics get more complicated the more people we add.

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top

definition – someone who takes the dominant role in sex and/or in BDSM play

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transgender

definition – someone whose gender identity does not match their biological sex (read “genitals” in the US).  used as an umbrella term for anyone who is not cisgender, even if they don’t fit into the male or female box.

as it applies to me – since I’m genderqueer, this term definitely applies to me.  I identify as genderqueer and as an FTM Femme. Both titles work pretty well to describe me.  Lots of people include an asterisk (trans*) to symbolize that they are genderqueer friendly.

it’s also important to note that

trans man = someone who was assigned “female” at birth and now identifies as male, uses “he”, “his”, etc.

trans woman = someone who was assigned “male” at birth and now identifies as female, uses “she”, “hers”, etc.

transmasculine = someone who was assigned “female” at birth and identifies somewhere along the masculine spectrum (transmen, bois, butches, etc.)

transfeminine = someone who was assigned “male” at birth and identifies somewhere along the feminine spectrum (transwomen, grrls, etc.)

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transsexual

definition – someone who is transgender and feels that they their gender identity is either male or female.  if they are able, they will do what they can (often including surgery, hormones, etc.) to pass full-time as the gender they feel like.  For example, someone assigned male at birth who feels female in their gender identity would change their pronouns to “she” and “her” and may get estrogen, hair removal, and sex reassignment surgery to look more female.  Since there are many obstacles (and drawbacks) to getting things like hormone treatment and srs, some transsexuals may not use them but still may identify as transsexual.

You should respect all trans people’s preferred pronouns, regardless of what medical transition they have had, how well you think they pass, and what gender you think they really are.  You know that thing about not being a meanie?  This is how you do it.

as it applies to me – even though I don’t completely fit into a male category, this is a fairly good word to describe me.  The definitions here appear to be in flux.  This year, the DSM V is for the first time acknowledging genderqueer people as transsexuals and helping us get access to medical transition.  There are a lot of things about medical transition that work for me, but I’m not looking to turn into an average guy.  My biggest goal is to transition away from my femaleness.  According to the DSM V, this counts as gender incongruence, and it certainly matches my lived experience.

The system is slowly improving to help me transition the way I want to transition.

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transvestite

definition – (synonymous with crossdresser) someone who is sexually aroused by wearing the clothes of the “opposite sex” but who still identifies as cisgender

as it applies to me – although I often feel VERY smexy when I dress boyishly and as a high-femme, I do not consider myself a transvestite per se because I do live openly as both genders.  If I was just doing it for kicks it’d be a different story.  However, since my gender is so confusing I sometimes think that I just might be a transman with a femme-crosdressing fetish.  Given more time and passibility, this is likely going to be a better way of describing me.

One Response to “glossary”

  1. Laural Wood August 11, 2010 at 10:52 pm #

    Bravo!! I really appreciate the extra “as it appears to me” sections! Very well done, oliver!!

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